Welcome back to True Tales from the Pink & Blue Trenches, a Thursday series co-hosted by the fabulous Melissa from Home On Deranged. Melissa is wife, mother, blogger, author and most recently a TV personality!
Each week, we choose a parenting topic and swap sagas!
This week’s post was written by Melissa and involves 50 Shades of Grey, swinging and drinking…. What???? This is a toddler/preschool series, right?
Uh huh, it’s true. We are learning about the pick-up lines that help make a NEW mommy friend! Without further ado… Boom Chicka Wa Wa…Let’s get it on…..
Post written by Melissa Swedoski
This week, it’s my turn here at Home on Deranged to talk about the ups and downs of making new mommy friends. See, what no one tells you is that even though you joined a super tribe of women who are also moms, they don’t necessarily all want to share coffee with you. In fact, the older you get, the harder it seems to get. Especially if you spilled that coffee on their couch. Oops. (To see Jodi provide actual helpful advice on making mommy friends, see last week’s post here.)
As you get older, you realize that making friends isn’t what it used to be. When you were younger, you met people at school or church, through sports or extracurricular activities, or because they were related to you. Once you get out of college, it gets a little harder, as you either have to make friends through work or through your existing friends.
When you’re a stay-at-home mom, living in a brand new town where you don’t know anyone, the only work friends you have are destroying your house, and you definitely don’t want to invite them over for coffee. It’s a conundrum.
Best to think of making new mommy friends like you used to think of dating: put your best foot forward, look pretty, say nice things, don’t eat too much, and for heaven’s sake, don’t tell them you’re looking for a long-term commitment.
Try the pickup line method!
Following a thoroughly unscientific system that I recently invented, I’ve come up with 7 pickup lines you can use to make new mommy friends. Feel free to modify to suit your needs.
1. “I have a soundproof room. Would you like to see it?”
Now, back in the day, that line would have made me perk up an eyebrow. What’s he got going on in that soundproof room? Is this a Fifty Shades of Grey kind of room? But, in mommy terms, I perk up my ears instead. “You have a room of silence? Where I can’t hear my toddlers arguing over the same doll for the 20th time today?” I’m shedding my inhibitions faster than a stripper sheds her clothes.
2. “I’m here for you.”
If you’re in the middle of a weepfest over losing your latest BF, a really smart guy can sweep in with this line. He’ll cradle you, caress your hair. Move in for more. But when a fellow mom says this to me, I get tingles as I think, “If I ever need a cupcake/cookie/pie/cigarette, her door is always open.”
3. “So, are you interested in swinging?”
Oh, the places you’ll go if you take up this offer. Naughty parties of swapping partners and rooms and more. If I proposition a fellow mom with this line, I’m thinking one of two things:
a) I have this new play set in the backyard with the latest swing technology, so our kids won’t fly off and break their necks.
b) I am totally into swapping kids with you for a day. Or leaving my kids with you for a few hours.
4. “You look like you could use a drink.”
Had a rough day at work and just sitting at the bar, alone and morose? A clever guy can get you that drink, and then probably get you a lot more. If I’m using this line on my potential new mommy friends, I know to have a supply of coffee/tea/lemonade/wine at the ready. Along with a shoulder to cry on.
5. “I know a guy who does that kind of work.”
Single gals are always in need, right? At least that’s what problem-solving men think. They know a guy who can fix our computer, install our new surround sound, get rims for our new wheels, move our furniture. Women with kids, on the other hand, are supposed to become overnight masters of how to unclog a toilet, how to clear a drain, how to fix a broken washing machine, how to make a broken DVD player work again, how to clean a house with two Clorox wipes. If I say to a potential new mommy friend, “I know a guy,” I’m about to hook her up with the handiest handyman of all time, at rates that would put free labor to shame.
6. “My car has a DVD player.”
If a guy is rolling around in a car with a DVD player, chances are he either wants to watch porn in the backseat while you make out, or he has a secret family he’s not talking about. But if you tell this to a mom, you can either drive around aimlessly in peace and quiet as the kids zone out to several movies in a row, OR you’re going to let her sit in your driveway in peace and watch “The Notebook” for the gazillionth time.
7. “How you doin’?”
This one works for all of us. Just picture Joey and it’ll make you smile.
Got any good pickup lines that work for you? Is any particular place a better pickup spot than another? Share it with me in the comments, so I can add to my repertoire!